Throwing it in reverse

Update...! I am not sure how to tell this part of my story except with the transparency I’ve used all along. The short story is I have decided to NOT do my Michigan Girl magazine. The long version – which I feel is not about the magazine at all – is far more important to talk about.

After my announcement, I built a team, put together articles, and sold ads for the first issue. It was happening! But inside, a little niggle started in my heart. I pressed on, thinking it was just the fear of the logistics. But, as I ticked off one thing after another, the niggle didn’t disappear. In fact, it got worse.

I didn’t say anything to anyone, but I was gripped with a “knowing” – that the magazine was cutting off new roads I had worked so hard to build. The good energy I had going with my Michigan Girl group. My new trips and events. My new book chapters. My scary-driving-into-the-city writing conferences. My new everything.

It finally came to a head a few days before Thanksgiving. I had started to notice that I was waking up with dread again. Like I had in the final months and years of GTW.

I had to shake it off, so I went to the kitchen and turned on the radio. There, I was suddenly possessed with the urge to focus on what was happy and good in my life. I went to town. I smashed bananas for my mother’s banana bread. I made the red sauce for my mother’s lasagna. I pulled off my mother’s old trick of homemade bread straight from frozen dough.

The house smelled wonderful. She felt close. The sun came out. My favorite songs came on. The Judds, Reba, Alan Jackson. And somewhere between 1989 and 1993, the thought came to me.

What if I gave myself permission to NOT go back to the magazine life?

My heart pounded.

Like ever?

EVER.

The moment the thought came to me, I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn't want to go back, and – here’s the best part – I didn’t HAVE to.

After holding on to “going back” for so long, I was finally there and I didn’t want it. I didn’t need the magazine, didn’t need to right any wrongs, didn’t need to be an editor and publisher. Not anymore.

Because I had moved myself into a better place. Already, I was meeting new people, creating fun events, building a community. Writing my essays and actually publishing them. Going on trips and finding myself open to new adventures. My writing at the forefront, and my community of women getting bigger and closer and kinder.

I felt a part of something bigger, something real, for the first time in a long time.

What if I just let THIS keep growing?

Whatever this was. A happy momentum? A permission to just "be" finally arriving? A life of no longer being compared to anyone else? A career and place to absolutely BE myself? A career filled with NEW energy and ideas and projects? Things I hadn't done before?

I wanted to see these things, too:

What was next for the “me” who had lost a sh!t ton? The me who had learned to carry the f@ck on? The me who had followed every d@mn drop of happy energy to make Michigan Girl a joy?

Things simmered (and thawed) around me in the kitchen that day. The music blared. The sun shown. The dogs cluttered at my feet. But I stood stock still. And inside, I was certain. It was over. A magazine wasn't my path.

And, with that, the niggle went away.

DO YOU REALIZE HOW HEALING THAT MOMENT WAS?

Garth Brooks certainly does, considering that the next thing I did, was start singing with him at the top of my lungs.

OMG – I was so relieved. I’d been holding onto this idea of “going back” for so long and there it was, at last, a letting go. I had tears in my eyes. It was finally, FINALLY over.

I filled with joy. I sang, I danced, I cooked. I stopped once to look at myself in the hallway mirror – was I sure? I WAS SO DAMN SURE.

When Tim came home that night, I sat him down and told him (softening the blow with that lasagna). We make all of our decisions together, but this time, that day, I had to decide on my own. 

I let it land, and I waited for him, ready to take his advice, how we would handle this together. He hugged me and said this first: “Good. You’ll finally get to YOUR writing.”

He was right. This would put me back on the path to that. And so much more.

I felt amazing. The relief of it all! The letting go! The moving on! To realize I was so far forward that I couldn’t feel where I’d been. To realize how happy I was with Michigan Girl. To be happy here and now - not where I had been then.

~~~

I waited another month to announce it. After all of the support for a new publication, it felt like I was letting everyone down. The task seemed daunting. (Kandy, why did you have to have such a public healing! Why?)

But a part of me realized that maybe it had to go down this way. The moment I went public with the mag, was the moment I was forced to truly face what I had lost, what had been done, and, more importantly, what I had gained since. The waffling back and forth was finally over. And the holding on was, too.

So, what IS next?

I will put time into building my community with Michigan Girl. It has been one of the most healing experiences of my life. The group’s surprising growth feels like some kind of mission that I didn’t realize I was on.

It’s become a force to reckon with – in the most delightful way.

It works because there’s nothing to it – people come because they WANT to, not because they have to, for work or kids or school. There's power in uncluttered connections. In the dirt. Out in the woods. Under the sky.

And here’s more of my story, something I haven’t written about very much: I lost so many people through all the chaos that surrounded the end of GTW. I had to find the strength to walk away, to stand up for what was best for me, and to stand alone in some cases. But removing those people left a huge hole in my life – scary and terrifying in my late 40s.

Because it takes so long to make new friends, doesn’t it? It’s horrible to start again, to make that first inroad, to share all that history (you have a lot of history at 49 – but then, again, you also get to pick and choose the best stories!), to introduce them to your family, to start building common ground. It’s hard!

But I started a tiny Michigan Girl group with 8 members… and here I am two years later with many friends who are loving and kind and pulling pranks on me. And it’s because I made room for them, with time and effort and care. A mile at a time, memories made.

The group has over 2.2k members now! No, we don’t all know each other, but the bigger it gets, the more connections and friendships that have been made. (I take FULL credit for all happy friendships made – yes, I do, ladies! HAHA.)

As I move forward, I want to keep building events, hikes, outings and things that will bring “Michigan Girls” together. I am working on building a formal (but, trust me, highly informal) membership for the group. Which will help connect us and make it feasible for me to keep investing time into it as it evolves into an even stronger community. It has the power to connect people and heal them a little bit, too – like it did me.

Also. My writing. Publishing my Substack for the last year – actually putting my most personal essays out there for others to read – wow, that tells me how much I have changed in the last year, too. It was dawned on me that perhaps I am moving out of the space of editing others’ writing and finally giving myself permission to stand in my OWN writing! (Like Tim said - he always seems to know before me! LOL!)

~~~

So. Here we are. Onward. To Michigan Girl, to more events that are built on pure, happy energy, and also to more writing. (Maybe there’s the writing of a healing book in my future? Complete with mud!)

THANK YOU to all my advertisers who understood when I returned checks. And writers who at least can thank me for forcing a deadline on them and making them write (if you are a writer, you know what I mean, haha). And to my fledgling staff who took the news with grace – with an, “ok, what’s the next move and if we can work together as MiGirl grows, hell yeah! I’ll bring the wine!” kind of response.

And THANK YOU to all of you!!! I hope you can understand and see how my healing came – very publicly – on this one lol.

I hope you’ll support me in this new chapter, as I continue to build Michigan Girl membership and events and design some merch, too! Happy Holidays everyone and thank you for this gift of community!!!!!!!

XO,

Kandace