The 27 stages of getting lost (again)
So. I tried a new trail the other day over near the VASA. Which prompted this - the 27 stages of getting lost:
You study the trail on GPS. You decide you now the first half of it and turn off the map for now and set out with zeal.
You miss the first turn.
You turn back on the map and even activate the voice that will cue the turns for you. You feel shame.
Soon, though, The Voice becomes the only comfort you have in the wild woods, lost. At least with her, you aren’t alone.
About 2 miles in, you realize you’ve been dumped out on the Vasa Single Track. This is a one-way trail - and you realize you actually don’t know if you are riding it in the right direction. Snail crawling and robust whistling become features of your ride. You start to imagine crashing a bike into the woods. Not yours - the other guy’s. You feel horrible that you are about to waylay what you can only guess would be the cyclist to WIN Iceman on the next turn. You slow to almost not pedaling at all, frantically checking the GPS and being 0 percent sure you are going the right way. Finally, you see a post! Yes, you ARE going in the right direction because it’s clockwise on “even” years. But the doubt remains -
Is it still 2024? You’ve been out there a while at this point.
About 3 miles later, you leave the unfamiliar familiar territory of the VST and head into gobs of unmarked single track. You stay steady. You’ve gotten lost out here before but you tell yourself you’re going to learn new trails! See new stuff! Make gains in your health! You also hear little alarm bells going off in your chest the farther along you go.
Because you’ve passed 10 different intersections.
And, you’ve guessed 10 different times on which way to go. The Voice seems to think you don’t need directions on every “Y” in the trail, just some. You have to double-back three times to “take a sharp left, than sharp right” like she tells you - which turns out to be the 1st intersection of the 10 continuous and connected intersections built into a single 100-yard stretch of this Godforsaken trail in the middle of nowhere.
Your temper may be flaring.
You find yourself now on narrow trails filled with spoke-breaking sticks and oak-leaf clusters. The woods grow dark and colorless. The only sound is bears. No one has traveled this trail - or this patch of earth - before you.
A full-life fawn appears out of lifeless ferns and puts you in zone 5 on a flat.
Panic ensues as the trail becomes harder and harder to see. You then find yourself perched on a trail that drops off to a swamp on one side. If wonder, if you were to miscalculate in the slightest, would they find -
is that a Coast Guard rescue helicopter you hear overhead?
You think about recording a video - your last will and testament.
The Voice, you suddenly realize, has gone silent. You’ve lost your only friend.
GPS is frozen. Should you open and close the app and try again? But you are terrified to touch anything on your phone. The only thing worse than having no GPS is having no GPS to argue with.
You have no choice to just keep pedaling, and…
RESUME pops up on your screen. You can stay lost officially now!
Off you go. Plus, your stint without technology has empowered you. You have reached the point of defying The Voice. You are going to cut out on the next two-track you cross and follow it until it dumps you out somewhere you recognize. Preferably, Michigan.
Aha! You see a clearing ahead. Your road has arrived! You speed up, newfound power in your legs.
But.
It’s wide, deep and made entirely of soft sand. It’s a desert mirage. It’s there, but you can’t touch it. Back to the trail you go.
Finally, you recognize a stretch of the trail you are on. Yes, you remember nearly weeping here another day, on another ride, years ago when you were equally as lost. You know exactly where you aren’t!
You gain speed and confidence as you sail ahead again.
Then? Next! You’re dumped out back on the Vasa! You may be on the Special K! You’re gonna live!
You turn off The Voice. Your ride is over and so is that friendship. It was a wild one, trying that new trail all on your own. One trail you won’t soon forget - or remember. ✅
