The kids convinced me to go to Screams In The Dark - Haunted Attractions for Nelson’s 19th birthday. The haunted attraction has a new “home” in Kalkaska, so we headed out there last night. At 42 degrees. In the pouring rain. At 8:30 p.m.
When we pulled in, the daylong downpour had muddied the field - considerably. This was the first attraction of the night. With glee, I slipped and slid my Traverse into the field of clay, mud and grass. The adventure was underway!
However, we took a moment to sit in our vehicle. WAS it stupid to go stand in a line in the rain only to have their mother pee herself?
Nelson, with his usual grace, said: “It’s my birthday - I’ll go without you if I have to.”
The threat was made, and our group of family and friends headed up to stand in line. For what would be an hour of rain, rain and more rain.
But. The weather got so bad that it was good. We bonded. Like in a survival sense. We were sharing hats and mittens and umbrellas. One of the boys doubled over in hypothermia at one point, saying, “I’m done.” He could barely get the words out.
Instead of consoling him, we laughed. Kendall punched him in the back. A couple of us started mimicking him. At this point, we could only live by pretending we weren’t dying.
Finally, through pure grit, we reached the front of the line.
Unfortunately.
I had been enjoying our torturous wait. I MUCH preferred the known pain of mud, wind and rain, but what stood beyond, at the haunted house and trail?
It was time to find out.
Once we paid and got our armbands, we walked through a tiny (literal) ghost town and waited to get into the haunted house. Which is when an ogre walked by. One that walked like my Grandma K used to. From behind, his gait brought back many good memories, and I had a swell of affection fill my heart.
Until he swung around and loomed with a long stare into my face. I scampered away and hid behind the men. My grandma had also doled out such punishment.
Then, it was our group’s turn to go into the haunted house. I don’t think I’m allowed to say exactly what I saw in there, but I can tell you I left behind my dignity and a set of lungs.
Every time I thought it was “over” - another monster would appear out of an absolutely flat wall and lunge at me. I was screaming, I was jumping. I was, in fact, peeing my pants.
I tried to get it under control, but it was like my body was in some kind of over-reactive mode. No matter how much Tim laughed and teased me and tried to protect me, every shout from a ghost resulted in a much larger shout from me. I was literally out of my mind from all the jump scares.
FINALLY. We were out of that damned house and walking the haunted trail. Which was nearly as bad - except out there I was swinging my arms wide because the actors can’t touch you. This was how I could keep them at least a few feet away from me, right?
Wrong.
There was a little covered bridge we had to cross. And. There was a large HORNED CREATURE standing in the dark doorway waiting for us.
Need I say anymore?
Yes.
Somehow everyone had gotten past him except me and the boys’ friend, Blade. Poor Blade! Stuck with shouting, crying, whimpering Mrs. Chapple!!! But I didn’t care. He would - and did indeed - help me battle my way over the bridge and past the horns.
On the other side, he said, “Next time, don’t try to paralyze me.”
I might have been rougher than I thought.
Then, one more building - the asylum. By this time I was shutting down, a numb shell of a mom with pee pants, just trying to see that dark, muddy parking field again. I speed marched with my arms stiff by my sides, whimpering and not looking left or right, as things and non-things shot out at me. I shouted, but I no longer flinched. I was weak, lost, and dead inside. My demise nearly complete.
THEN - we were dumped out into the real world!! I HAD LIVED!!!!!!!! It was STILL raining. I didn’t care. I was alive. My heart swelled again - I felt amazing. The rush of relief, adrenaline and accomplishment. I had done it. I was on top of the world. I was literally giddy with my survival.
Until I tripped in a hole in the field on the way to the car and almost died.
After all that. 😂😂😂
Soooo… if you are thinking of going… Plan on an hour wait in the line. Bring your party attitude to this part of the night because it’s all fun and games until you get to the front of the line. Bring an umbrella if it’s raining - they did allow us to take it in with us. And it takes about 20 minutes or so to get through the attractions, which feels like a lifetime. It is $20 a person.
There’s no “out” unless you ask an actor to help you. We did see two young gals escorted out very politely, no questions asked. (With the ogre who turned out to be a kindly ol’ fella, much like my gram.) They suggest ages 12 and over only. I would suggest adding a new benchmark of 47 and under as well.
The parking lot is a field, so bring a flashlight to get up and back out to your car, as it’s rutted and there’s that one hole with my name on it. And if your phone is “on” accidentally in your pocket, they stop the welcome speech to make you turn it off. And then you can’t, because you are shaking with adrenaline and things haven’t even STARTED yet and your 20-year-old son has to do it for you.
Most of all, have fun! And may I suggest bringing 4 strong men to be your buffer at all times? Even if they are harmed (by you) in the process.